by Jess Sutton, Autism and Self Advocacy Lead
On Autistic Pride Day 2025, we're sharing Jess's story.
Being transgender and autistic has been quite a journey for me.
It was difficult to understand my feelings as I deal with alexithymia (struggling to understand and express one’s own emotions), a common autistic experience.
Finding a framework
The feelings of gender dysphoria were intense. I knew them but at the same time I didn’t. I didn’t have a framework for understanding or expressing my feelings in a way that I or others could understand.
I knew things were wrong with my body and my self-perception and my physical and social presentation, but I didn’t know why. My gender dysphoria also mixed in with my general Autistic burnout and overload.
Before I was able to pick apart the different things that were making me uncomfortable, I just experienced a constant sense of being overwhelmed, a mix of sensory and social overload and gender dysphoria. I would often dream of being a girl and I would be very jealous of girls without knowing exactly why, but I didn’t have any understanding that I could be a girl myself. I just thought that was how life was and that it would always just be a feeling. I was aware that transgender people existed, but I didn’t ever connect that that could be me, that I could be transgender too.
The importance of connection
I am very fortunate to have many friends who are both neurodivergent and queer, including my partner. If I didn’t have these connections, however, I would certainly be at a disadvantage. Entering social spaces alone with the intention of making new friends and connections is terrifying, especially when the people in those spaces already have social groups they are part of.
The autistic aspects of struggling with social situations, reading people, recognising social cues and being able to properly express myself mix with the fear of having to make myself vulnerable by introducing myself as a trans person to be treated properly, and the worry that I will be mistreated because of this. If I had to seek community alone, without my friends, then I would be a far more isolated person than I am now. The social situations I would have to enter and the overwhelming environments they take place in would make finding connection with other people extremely difficult and overwhelming.
I am glad to have community with people who are both queer and neurodivergent. My experience of the world and myself are understood very well by these people, and it makes me feel very safe and happy.
This extends to relationships, too. Being in a relationship with another autistic transwoman does make me feel very safe and understood. It isn’t that neurotypical people or cisgender people would be unable to understand me or to properly engage with me, rather that my partner inherently understands many of the things I feel through her own personal experience with gender and neurodiversity. There are no barriers between us when it comes to how we exist in the world as autistic people and as trans people. When we experience things differently in our own autistic ways, we still understand why this is the case. We understand that our neurodivergence and all its individual unique traits come together to form a unique experience of ourselves and of the world around us. There is no need to explain ourselves to each other, we already understand each other through our common experiences.
A gaming discovery
The thing that helped me to begin realising that I was trans was when I played a video game, a good few years ago now, called Detroit: Become Human. One of the characters is an android called Kara who throughout the story becomes a mother and cares for a young girl who she rescues and along the way develops more as an individual herself.
Seeing this story of someone going from virtually being a blank slate that constantly had to perform the expectations of others and of society to developing a strong identity of her own and learning live in a way that made sense to her really opened my eyes. It showed me that the same was possible for me. Because of these things this is to me both a queer story from a transgender perspective and a neurodivergent story as well.
Reflecting neurodiversity
As well this really emphasises the importance of having stories, characters, media and other entertainment and cultural expressions that neurodivergent people can see themselves in and to help open questions about who they want to be that might not have been asked otherwise. Visibility of queer neurodivergent people is extremely important.
It is important that we make it known that autistic people can be queer. Often our identities are belittled, and many have experienced their identity not being believed or being treated as a ‘phase’, as if we are incapable of deeper introspection. Allowing autistic people the space to understand and recognise their queer identities in their own ways and at their own pace is so important. I hope that we can create a world where people like me are able to decide who they are from day one, rather than having to struggle to be recognised and to be able to express themselves like so many do.
